What the hare and the tortoise taught us

A long time ago, for reasons that escape me at the moment, a hare and a tortoise decided to have a race. Maybe it was for pink slips. Maybe there was a girl involved. Maybe one of them was an undercover cop on a secret mission to infiltrate an illegal woodland racing syndicate. I can’t be sure of the details. But whatever their motivations, this hare and this tortoise wanted to race each other. They wanted to race each other bad.

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When big girls’ beds go bad

Designed by babies for babies, the Amby Baby hammock is an innovative alternative to traditional cots and bassinets. Consisting of a fabric sling and foam mattress attached by a patented spring mechanism to a free standing metal frame, the hammock mimics the gentle rocking motion that all unborn babies experience as the stork flies through mild turbulence on its way to their parents’ house.

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My cause is nobler than yours

I believe that the vast, vast majority of people value a new pair of shoes more than they value human life. If we didn’t, we’d send all our shoe money straight to Africa, right? Every pair of shoes that we buy, every movie ticket, every glass of pinot noir, another baby starves.

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I’m going to count to three: The gentle art of negotiating with your one year old

My one year old daughter is like an early 17th century Western European philosopher. She’s entering the age of reason. We’ve finally reached a point in our relationship where each of us can understand enough of what the other is saying to engage in civilised negotiations about what she is and isn’t going to eat, drink, and stick up her brother’s nose. It’s an exciting new era in communication, and it’s not without its challenges.

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Guess what I did today, Daddy

Some days, when I get home from work, my one year old daughter tells me a story. I walk through the door and, before I’ve even put my bag down, she launches into an urgent report about something interesting that happened while I was away. She’s only recently started doing this. So far, the stories have all been about how she fell over and hit her head on something.

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Personal space: The final frontier

When Karl Marx invented public transport in the mid-nineteenth century, he envisioned a world united in peace and harmony by cheap and efficient mass transit systems. Little did he know that his vision was doomed to fail because of one simple truth about human nature: people don’t like to share.

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Learning to slide

My one year old daughter has always been a cautious kid. She likes to stay well within her comfort zone, both physically and socially. She didn’t crawl until she was ten months old. She tends to cling to my wife and I at social gatherings. Until recently, if we took her to a busy playground, she’d sit with us and watch the other kids play for a good fifteen minutes before she’d even so much as look at a see saw. And when she did venture out into the play area, she’d do so with all the courage and confidence of a baby deer in a biker bar.

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Are you calling me a liar?

Most people tell lies. At least occasionally. I know I do, and I reckon you do too. Even my mother tells lies. Like that time she told us that Oscar had to go and live on a farm. Oscar didn’t have to go and live on a farm. Oscar chose to go and live on a farm. I’ll never forgive him for that. I thought we were friends.

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Not quite the hardest job in the world

Do you know what the hardest job in the world is? Shark wrestler. Do you know what the second hardest job in the world is? Volcano taster. Do you know what is also a very difficult job? Stay-at-home mum.

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I am not an animal! I am a grotesque patchwork simulation of a human being!

It’s not easy being Frankenstein’s monster. For starters, everybody always gets your name wrong. And since popular culture has been reinforcing the misconception for decades, correcting people can be an uphill battle. Imagine if you met Macaulay Culkin, and he said “My name isn’t really Macaulay Culkin. That’s a common misconception. Macaulay Culkin is actually the name of the mad scientist who created me.” You’d say “Whatever, Macaulay Culkin. Just give me my French Fries.”

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